


sunflowers still grow at night

by hyuckmania



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Feelings Realization, Love Confessions, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 12:21:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19209337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuckmania/pseuds/hyuckmania
Summary: “I realized, Donghyuck. Looking at you is better than looking at the sunset, and you know how much I love to look at it.”Or: Mark and Donghyuck seem to never find the right timing.





	sunflowers still grow at night

**Author's Note:**

> hi, after a long hiatus i made it. a story that was stuck on my mind till i did this. as always, enjoy!  
> title is from sunflower by rex orange county.

Mark and Donghyuck walk side by side as they have always done for the past twelve years. Six years of walking home after school, including their last year of school when they dated and four years being roommates in college. It’s nice, having the steady presence of a long time best friend like Donghyuck because even so, he claimed the coincidence of their offices being five minutes apart from a “soulmates bond”. 

Now, they walk their way home after ending their shift, next to the river because Donghyuck wanted “fresh air” (like you could get that in a city like Seoul). But even if he made him drive all the way aside from his warm apartment, the smile he gave Mark was worth it. 

“The weather is so good!” Donghyuck jumps in his spot, looking meaningfully to the beautiful pastel sky. 

And here comes the catch: Mark loves looking at sunsets. It’s probably a silly thing he once read in a magazine while he was waiting for his turn on the therapist. One of those texts that tell you how to get through depression by following this Daily Tips: look at the sunset for three minutes every day. Again, something silly, foolish. He still tried it though, desperate to reach for better days. 

In the span of his teen days, he has and is always reaching for Donghyuck. Because all the days since their senior year he asks himself “what if” and ends assuring himself “it was for their best”. It seemed easy back then, saying the words “I like you”, but as time passes the feelings get heavier, hard to show in a single “I love you”. 

“It’s fucking freezing,” Mark puffs instead, seeking for warm inside the pockets of his jacket. Man, he’s craving for a smoke now and maybe a warm bath. Or just go home. 

“Here,” Donghyuck hands him a hot pack. “Stop whining and enjoy the view.” 

A boring view, to be honest. Mark breathes heavily and follows Donghyuck with his eyes, and it hits him. In the way you’d suddenly be hungry of your mom’s cooking, or when you’d recognize a good day by its smell. In this not so particular day and less not so much day out of their ordinary life, Mark realizes. He realizes he likes to look at Donghyuck better, that he has always liked looking at Donghyuck anyways, that even after all these years, Donghyuck is still his Get through depression by following these Daily Tips. 

He laughs, for some odd reason. “I just realized something, Hyuck.” 

Donghyuck turns to him, expectantly. One leg hanging from side to side, a childish attempt to keep himself warm. “Did you left the stove on again?” 

Mark rolls his eyes. “Like Jaemin would let me be close to the kitchen after that one time. But no.” 

Donghyuck hums; eyes knowing, anticipating. “He knows the best.” 

“I feel you already know it. Before me,” Mark walks closer, brushing his shoulder to Donghyuck’s. He’s not panicking for a good reason, he already knows how this ends. 

“I would need you to elaborate on that.”

“Did I ever told you when my mom started taking pictures of the sky for me?” Starts Mark, words ripping out of him and Donghyuck is silent, patient like he has always been when it comes to his mom. “She brought them one day, telling me how the sky looked from her office. Told me it reminded her of me, that she knew how much I liked them.

“At first I thought it was annoying, it’s not like the sky from her office was different from the one I saw every day. But then, it happened. And she told me in that shitty hospital that the sun after the storm always felt the warmest. At first, I couldn’t get it. Now? Not so much, but I’d like to think I do. I still love looking at the sky, it reminds me of her face, her hands, her voice. It’s hard to look at it though.”

Mark stops, surprised he can maintain is voice even while his heart is crying in pain, lost again in the past, a thing he had never quite managed well. 

“I realized, Donghyuck. Looking at you is better than looking at the sunset, and you know how much I love to look at it.” 

Donghyuck smiles, a sad one and nods once, then again, more to himself and waits. 

“I know,” Mark gives him a pat in the back, knowing. “I just wanted to tell you, because you’re my best friend.”

“What a pair we are,” Donghyuck whispers, more to himself. But it’s never like that when is between them, it’s never about Mark or Donghyuck apart. “Do you remember when we broke up?” 

He does, he tries to deny it, to bury it in the back of his memories, but he does remember. Every day. He nods. 

“I told you that I understood it. And I did, partly,” he offers a smile and rubs the back of his head, embarrassed. “I guess part of me didn’t want to end it, but I knew we were drifting apart. That you loved her and that you needed her more than me. I knew you needed me as your friend and I was okay with it.” 

“You told me and I quote: ‘it’ll be alright’. But was it?” 

Donghyuck lets out a choked laugh. “No, but it sounded better in my head. I cried for a week, though.”

Mark waits for a heartbeat and says it, the truth he has always tried to deny. “I guess we just aren’t meant to be.”

Donghyuck clicks his tongue in annoyance. “It’s just the timing. I love you, but I love Renjun too.” 

“Yeah, I’d love Renjun better too,” tries to joke, Mark, to light the environment, but fails miserably. 

Donghyuck leans for a hug, or that’s what Mark thinks, but then their lips meet, a gentle breeze, an attempt to take away the pain. It doesn’t make him ask for more, and Mark has to stop himself from crying. 

“You’re my best friend, Mark. But I’d understand if you needed time from me,” Donghyuck says, but his eyes tell him another story, that the request actually pains him and he would prefer it another way, one that possibly doesn’t make them being apart. 

Mark nods because even in this situation Donghyuck knows what the best is for him. “I’m sorry, you know I have never been able to keep a secret from you.” 

Donghyuck kisses his cheek, knocks his forehead against Mark’s and brushes his hair playfully. “I would hate it if you keep a secret from me.” 

Mark pushes him away and gives him a smile, “I’ll see you around.” 

“Bye, Mark. Drive safely,” waves Donghyuck, and then he’s turning around, going in the opposite direction as Mark, like it seems to always be. 

* 

Mark manages to get home in a piece; but Jaemin knows better, he always has. 

“I want to go out,” says Mark. 

“Okay,” replies Jaemin. “Where?” 

Mark looks at his watch. 7 pm, still early but they can manage something and says, “1972” because is the only gay bar in the zone. 

“1972. Got it,” and he goes for his jacket and keys, typing in his phone, surely talking to Miri. Jaemin looks at him sheepishly. “She’s a good wingman.” 

Mark tries to smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes and he can see it in Jaemin worried face. The younger takes him by the shoulders and motions them to leave. 

* 

The club is hot and loud, and Mark takes as many drinks his friends give him. Jaemin called for all the crowd, Jisung and Chenle are there, as Miri and Jaehyun too, sharing worrying looks with Jeno and Jaemin. He knows he’s scaring them, but honestly, he doesn’t give a fuck. He appreciates it, really, but his heart is tearing piece by piece and he hates it, the way he understands this is for the best. The way he already gave up before fighting. 

Jeno is the worst of them, fluttering around him, carrying some sadness like he’s suffering from Mark too. He pushes him away and makes his way to the dance floor, not caring if anyone joins him or not. He moves his body to the beat or tries to, drinks already making him feel lightheaded. 

“Dance?” asks a guy, Mark can’t even register his face or anything before he takes him by his biceps and leads him to dance, losing himself in more drinks and more faceless guys in an attempt to throw himself away. 

He tries to kiss some of them, but Jaemin pesters them and before he can hear any of it, he loses himself with the bodies of the party. He grinds on a thigh, trying to feel something with wet kisses running in his neck. Because this is better, better than being sober and aware of losing Donghyuck.

A hand tits Mark shoulder, pulling him away from the guy he was just ashamedly making out. Then a hand takes him by the wrist and guides him outside the bar. Is Donghyuck, he knows it before looking at his face. He’s disappointed, he can see in the way he’s frowning down at Mark like he’s blaming himself.

“What are you doing here,” he says, demanding, angrily when they’re already outside. A little bit slurred too, and he looks around trying to see his friends. Maybe they abandoned him, something he has expected to happen sooner or later, to be honest. 

“What are you doing here, Mark,” Donghyuck yanks him forward, trapping him in a hug. 

“Having my own pity party, what else,” he replies against the fabric of Donghyuck sleeve. Its Renjun’s, though. And Mark suddenly remembers it, the sad smile of Donghyuck, the genuine regret of his eyes, because Mark missed again his opportunity. He shoves him away from him as hard as he can. 

Donghyuck looks betrayed. “If this was your own pity park, why didn’t you invited me?” 

Mark laughs or well tries to. “I have a better question, why didn’t you told me you were moving to China?” Donghyuck pales, eyes going wide open. He opens his mouth to talk but Mark stops it, holding one finger in front of him. “Checking for apartments in Jilin. The number of boxes you already have in your own apartment. Your contract ends in three months. Do you think I’m stupid?”

Donghyuck takes a step behind like Mark personally stabbed him, spots of color in his cheeks. “It’s not like that.” 

“You’re engaged,” spits Mark, pleased at the flash of guilt.

“No. I’m not.” 

“I’m not an idiot. I saw the ring the other day when you tried to hide it from me.”

“Why does it matter so much to you anyway?” Says Donghyuck, mad. “Aren’t you my best friend?” 

Mark brushes his hair aggressively and his voice indicates his exasperation. “Because I love you! And you’re leaving. Don’t you get it?” 

Donghyuck expression falls, regret and sadness pouring out of his eyes. “I’m sorry, I wish I could love you, the way you deserve it, Mark,” Donghyuck fails miserably to hide a sob, and holds his arms open, and puts Mark against his chest, rubbing a hand over his back, cradling him gently. “Please forgive me.” 

And maybe it’s his voice, maybe it’s just the choice of words, or that he feels pathetic with the rest of the people looking at him in the street, either way, Mark breaks down and cries quietly in Donghyuck neck. He cries for the things he missed and what he’s about to lose again. He cries because the only mistake his mom did raising him was making him too kind, too easy to give people second chances, to let himself suffer before anyone else. 

“No,” he says. 

Donghyuck stiffens, not really expecting that answer. Because he never, in twelve years has rejected an apology by Donghyuck. He steps away and holds himself against the wall. “What?” 

“I don’t forgive you,” Mark whispers, before raising his voice furious. “You’re going to leave me when you know I don’t have anyone else. My mom is dead, my dad doesn’t talk to me anymore. No siblings, no family close. I’m completely alone.” 

“No, you are not,” interrupts Donghyuck. “Jaemin, Jeno, your friends–” 

“Right, my friends,” replies Mark, laughing, void and close to tears. “Yeah, Jaemin and Jeno. They love me, I’m sure. But I’m never what they love the most. Jaemin is my best friend, but I’m not his. That’s Jeno. And is okay, I understand. I came later, they just adjusted me in their bond, but I’m never part of them, never close to any of them like they’re for each other. I’m glad they liked me enough, but it never is, you know? Don’t you think I feel it? They’re together in ways I can’t be with them. 

“And now Jaemin has Miri and Jeno has Jaehyun, and they took my friends away from me. And I’m glad they did! Because they deserve to be loved and I have never seen them this happy before. And Miri likes me because I help her with English and Jaehyun likes me because we can share memories of New Jersey. But it’s the only what they need me for, what I can give them. They can replace me if they want. And they invite me out, never caring to ask if I’m bringing someone because no one stays with Mark long enough to care. 

“So no. I don’t have friends. I’m not anyone’s first priority. I’m just someone that they can ask favors. But you weren’t like that, Donghyuck. Before Renjun, you made me feel your first choice. You called me just to ask me if I have eaten; if I was doing well. And Renjun took you away too, and I can’t even blame the guy cause if I were him I wouldn’t have let you go. This comes from a person that already let you go, Donghyuck. And all this time, I gave myself away to people that don’t love me as I love them. Because Jaemin has Miri like Jeno has Jaehyun, and now you have Renjun, and Chenle and Jisung have each other and I’m alone. No one puts me first. Not since my mother, and she’s dead.”

Mark knows he’s weeping, can feel it in the way he’s breathing, the trembling of his hands and Donghyuck is staring at him, tears rolling in his eyes, mouth wide open. 

“You were supposed to be that person. You were that person. But now you’re leaving and you didn’t say a word, so excuse me if I feel betrayed and broken. Forgive me because I’m in love with you and even if I suffer seeing you with another person, I prefer that, that not seeing you at all. But you choose him. You choose Renjun over me.” 

“I love you, Mark, I love you, I do,” Donghyuck says, voice tiny, breaking middle sentence. 

“Not enough,” says Mark, wiping the tears from his cheeks. Donghyuck looks devastated and he can’t handle that well, have never does. He looks around to see the small crowd they had gathered in their discussion. As he expects an unfamiliar crowd, he’s surprised and crushed when he spots his friends, the people he loves staring back at him. Renjun’s crying and Jaemin's looking at him with his glassy eyes and Jeno expression is blank, astonishment written on his face.

He can’t look at them right now, not after all he said. “I have to go.” 

Donghyuck nods, not caring to clean his face. “I’ll take you home.” 

“No, not you,” Mark shakes his head. 

Chenle takes a step closer and rubs Mark back. “I think you need some time by yourself. C’mon you can stay with me tonight.” 

And Chenle stays with him that night, and Jaemin comes sometime later and hugs Mark as his life depends on it. He cries in his shoulders and murmurs as many sorry he can manage before sobbing all over again. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he sobs. “You’re my Mark and no one can change that. I can’t find more Marks than you, your friendship is irreplaceable for me.” 

Mark pushes him lightly, mentioning him to break the hug. “I’m sorry too. I was a dick.” 

“You are my best friend, Mark,” Jaemin says again looking more vulnerable than Mark has ever seen him. 

“I know,” and Mark knows, he knows, but he can’t help to feel that way. 

“Your feelings are valid, Mark,” Chenle interrupts from the kitchen. He takes a step closer and sits next to him on the couch. “Yes, you were rude but you said the truth. And it’s valid the way you’re feeling.” 

Mark doesn’t say a word, afraid to start crying again. Jaemin senses it because he hugs him again, “We’ll figure this out, okay? Like we always do.” 

“Sleep, Mark. You’re allowed to heal,” speaks Chenle and Mark does as he’s told. 

* 

“It’s better this way.” 

Donghyuck snorts, rolling his eyes. “You said that the last time.” 

Mark takes a breath and looks around. Again, the city of Seoul looks brilliant from their favorite bench. It was a hot day when they found it. Mark wanted to try working out and would drag Donghyuck with him. As they were running around in the park, they found a bench, an old one, more close to the trees and shrubbery. They came later on, just for the sake to look at the lake and give food to the ducks that lived there. Now, it’s getting dark, the sun already setting and they’re together looking at the same lake and the same buildings but it feels different. Melancholic. 

“Remember the day we meet?” Donghyuck says, reaching for Mark's hand. He takes it, afraid. He nods and Donghyuck sighs. “You were kinda pathetic, crying so loud in the lobby of the hospital. I reached you because I thought it was serious, but you only scratched your knee.” 

“Hey! I fell from the monkey bar. It hurt like hell back then,” Donghyuck laughs. “You even told me the goblin would come and eat my candies at night.”

Donghyuck laughs loudly this time, scaring some birds that are around. Mark follows him suit.

“Oh boy, I remember your face. You looked at me like I was saving you.” 

Silence and then, “You did. Years later.” 

Donghyuck hums, because he _knows_. “And then your mom came to rescue you and she smiled at me. I think I remember that the most,” he plays with his free hand with the holes of his jeans, no longer staring at the lake. “Then you fell asleep and she looked out for me. She came to my room and said thanks because you were alone and I made you feel less alone.” 

Mark lets a breath out that looks closer to a sob. “You think she knew? Back then, I mean.” 

“Well,” Donghyuck stops playing with the holes, fingers dancing nervously in his thigh. “She looked for my mom and organized a playdate for us.” 

That brings a smile to both of them. 

“She was a great cook. Remember when she made donuts for us?”

“I think her pasta was the best,” Donghyuck makes a face. “Yours is good because you learned it from her.” 

“Oh man, remember when we played in the rain and decided to dig a pool in your backyard?” 

“She was ready to kill us, to be honest.” 

“Or when we caught varicella that summer and she kept us in quarantine.”

And they keep going, reminiscing of better times till is too late and the moon is shining brightly over them. 

“I think I should go,” Mark attempts to stand up but Donghyuck holds him down. 

“Do you think… I mean, can we stay like this… a little longer?” He mumbles, stumbling in his own words. Mark can’t bring himself to say no.

“I wouldn’t like it another way,” Mark replies and sits down. Donghyuck scoots him closer and puts his head in his shoulder. 

“Do you remember… that day,” Donghyuck clears his throat and Mark doesn’t need to ask what day. “How sunny it was?”

“My mom always said sunflowers follow the sun. It comforted me back then, you know? Because if there’s no sun, sunflowers get cold,” Mark feels his throat made of paper before asking. “Do you think sunflowers still grow at night?” 

Donghyuck looks up at him, with sad eyes, understanding. He nods quietly. 

“I’m sorry, Mark,” whispers Donghyuck, like they’re not alone in this part of the park. “I didn’t tell you about the ring because I said no. Renjun asked it one day, I thought he was joking. He proposed to me, out of nowhere. In a train, when we were going back from visiting my family. I took the ring and said I was going to think about it. Later on, I said no, that we are young. About Jilin… it’s been on the table. I have an offer, yes. But I still don’t know. I thought about you a lot.” 

Mark waits. “You see it? A future with Renjun?” 

Donghyuck bites his lips. “Yes. And it terrifies me how livid it is.” 

“Then, let me go, Donghyuck.” 

And he’s terrified of this too, Mark can feel it before seeing it. Donghyuck takes him by the shoulders and hugs him like he’s afraid to lose Mark right there. 

“No. I can be happy with Renjun and still be your friend.”

Mark rubs his back in circles and it breaks him, to say it out loud and raw, “But I can’t.”

Donghyuck grips harder, sniffing in the neck of Mark. “I don’t want to. I won’t make it. You’re a lot of things, Mark. You’re rides back home, you’re brunch on lazy Saturdays, you’re my emergency contact when I’m out. You’re _days_.” 

“The hardest thing I’ll ever do is walk away still loving you, Donghyuck. But you understand why I have to do it?” It takes one minute long for Donghyuck to nod weakly. “I won’t disappear from your life, I’ll come back. Like I always do.” _Because you’re home_ , he wants to add.

Donghyuck lets Mark go from his arms, he takes his hands and kisses his knuckles softly. They lock eyes, “Okay, I trust you.” 

He doesn’t, nor does Mark, but they can have this promise for a little bit longer. 

Mark and Donghyuck walk side by side as they have always done for the past twelve years. But this time is the last one. Six years of walking home after school, including their last year of school when they dated and four years being roommates in college. And now, when they walk to take the bus home, the goodbye feels more painfully than ever. No longer silly promises as “see you on Saturday” or “call me when you get home”. 

It was nice, having Donghyuck in his life. Maybe in the next one, they can be happy together.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry.  
> 


End file.
